i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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