the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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