I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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