if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
