He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
