there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just pee around me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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