every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
