Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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