Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
