ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
