i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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