Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
