I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
