I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
