i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
