I wish my penis had an off switch
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Randomize
