I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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