i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
