i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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