if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
