remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
