Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
