this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
