The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
