Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
