I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
