She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
