Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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