cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
why do cheetos always look like penises
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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