pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize