oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
