So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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