you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
