i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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