She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
