allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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