I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
