Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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