I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
