After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
