you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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