ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
