dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
