I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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