Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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