i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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