I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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