You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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