I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
