strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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