I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
