I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
