He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So much Jack, so little girl.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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