I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
