I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
