yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
