I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
