i already hear my dad disowning me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
