Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
